Boyfriend chooses gifts centered on his own hobbies, and the letter writer wants to know whether to question him on this.

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and I love him so much. I would rather do anything than hurt his feelings.

I've noticed that, when he gives me presents, what he gives me aren't things I'm interested in, but things that he wants me to get interested in. For example, he loves snorkeling, but the first time we went, I had a panic attack. He got me snorkeling gear for Christmas that year. He is super into guitar, he plays, but it is not something that I am into at all other than liking to listen to him. For his birthday, I got him this guitar he's been wanting, then he got me guitar lessons for my birthday.

When he asks me what I want, I point him to lists, and he also knows I knit, crochet, do felting and have a loom, so I love yarns, etc. I told him the people at the yarn shop I favor know what I like, but he never went there. I know he gets excited about things we can do together, I really am grateful, but I worry this might indicate an underlying relationship issue about his expectations for me.

Because Christmas is coming, he's asking again, and I'm wondering whether I should raise this issue with him.

-- I Am Me

I Am Me: Yes! Here's why.

You're right to be concerned that his comically self-centered gift-giving is a character problem. You're also right not to automatically assume it is -- because some wonderful people are terrible at gifts, and some terrible people are good at gifts.

Talking to him is not only the logical next step in preventing him from spending a lot of money just to insult you. But it also offers a much more reliable measure of character: how he responds to constructive criticism.

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About Carolyn Hax

(For The Washington Post)

I've written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don't want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram.

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Use this perfect opening to say: "I am grateful you asked what I want for Christmas. What I would like is what I would like -- needlework supplies, for example -- as opposed to what you would like me to like. Snorkeling gear and guitar lessons are things you want me to like." Pause for the in-sinking.

How he responds will blow the sky open with angels singing the Truth, possibly bearing felt.

It may sound like surly pouting, too, or a crappy fight, but it doesn't have to be melodic to be useful. If your having feelings hurts his feelings, then what does that say about him?

He might also nod and apologize and hug you and say, yes, of course, Sweetie, I understand, and on Christmas morning you will unwrap an underwater guitar you can play while snorkeling. So, good luck?

You don't have to rely on blunt conversations or angel song, though. He has been telling you, in his way, since Day 1, whether he accepts you as-is or has a mind to change you. And you've heard his messages loud and clear, if you're honest with yourself. Don't let small conflicts like gift-giving distract you from the fact that the truth is whole, constant and making itself heard every day.